You looking at my birds tits?!!

Haven't done much of anything for a while.. Been depressed and stuff and in a kinda meh mood.. The tablets have sorted me out now.. Yey drugs!!!

Going to see slipknot soon... Got the inspiration from Mick Thompson's mask for my latest painting. Decided to give acrylics a go, never tried them before and was a bit scared of how quickly they dry. I'm used to oils which you can work on for days before the paint dries.. Acrylics dry in minutes..

Inner Demons

Nuff said

I am inspired.. It took an amazing video and an amazing musician.....

Lickin' dog sick

Had a great time at Lola's party last weekend. Hurtling headlong into her dotage now she is. I was the designated driver so drank quarts of orange juice, my innards are still recovering! Good food, good music and good company, what more do you need.. Maybe a sparkly silver loo seat. Rosie is still talking about it, I feel like a failure as a father because ours match the suite colour, not a dot of glitter in sight. Maybe I should do something to rectumfy it....

I'm not what you would call the life and soul of the party, I like to sit and listen to what others have to say... And with so many different people from different backgrounds I was struck dumb.. Such interesting people. I got good lurk... But bugger all photo's cos I forgot my camera.. Sigh.

Some friends last us a lifetime, some are shite. It seems we have an abundance of both at the moment. Lola's a keeper... Others will fall by the wayside, I'd rather lick dog sick than keep crap friends, I'm too old to faff about wasting my time with them....

Wrestling with spitting monkeys

We visited the 'folks up north' yesterday. My baby sister's 40th is loomin' like a slug in a black tiara and she had the nerve to 'celebrate' it the cheeky cow!! I'm 46 and don't need my face rubbing in it thank you very much. I did enjoy seeing my family together again after a few years, though I could have done without seeing a couple of them... Namely my father in all his piety! Haven't spoken to him in ten years, and after he completely blanked his Granddaughter last night.... Who he has never met... It may very well be another ten. Turns out he also thought it best not to invite my other sister for some good for nothing reason... Still likes to make judgements on people...

My brother looked good, a few more lines here and there but the lucky bastard hasn't put on a scrap of weight... And our Ange, my favourite sibling who I have a huge squishy soft spot for, looked great.. Finally met her daughter 'wee Ruthie' after years and years... By eck has she shot up!! She was being a miserable emo last time I visited and had her door nailed shut... Last time I saw her she was eight. Dave's son is huge too, again, he was about eight when i saw him last... Ten years don't half change a person.

The best thing about the visit was the complete lack of traffic!! And... With a judicious misuse of the speed limit we managed to escape back to normality in an hour and three quarters and well away from bad memories old and new. Trouble is.... My memory is shite and any new memories tend to drift away on the breeze.

Iron Maiden stole my brain

I lay in bed trying to sleep.... wooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.... So I lay in bed trying to clear my brain... woooooooooooooooooooooh. So then I turned over and got comfy on that side... wooooooooooooooooooh... What the hell was that noise? Then it hit me.. My hearing was screwed.. I smiled... The evening was perfect. I drifted off to sleep.

We had just been to Twickenham to see Iron Maiden, their only UK gig this tour.. And was I blown away by one of the best rock bands of the last 25 years? OH HELL YES!!! I have never experienced an atmosphere like it or felt 55,000 people all singing their hearts out vibrate through me like a pulse.



I'm getting the urge to get a mullet.. Fighting the urge! Fighting the urge!! Losing.. Losing. Phoning the barbers.......... Catching sight of myself in the mirror. Balder than a badgers arse!! Deep sadness... Plenty of party, but bugger-all business up front..



My hearing is back to normal now, but I don't think I'll ever be the same again...

Rock on..

Dead fish and the smell of unwashed poets

It's been a while since I blogged, for which I am sorrowful and maudlin. I've been in a place for a while now that I need to break free from. I don't have much incentive or inspiration which isn't much use for a budding artist is it..? Anyway.. Thank you and bigfatstinkyhugs to Lola for tagging me and getting me back into blogging...

Three things that Sally knows about me.....

1: I own, and can use quite usefully, a sewing machine.. I had to learn when I was a punk rocker because you simply couldn't buy off the shelf clothes back then. So I taught myself to alter, take in and embelish my own. Which in turn led me to be able to make my own curtains, lined of course.

2: I will eat ANYTHING!!! (part of my problem right there!!) except Stilton Cheese and any kind of cheese sauce. Cheese sauce is in fact the food of the devil and only evil beings, demons and women can eat the stuff without vomiting.

3: I once ran away from home when I was about fourteen. In order that they wouldn't be able to recognise me or put my picture in the paper I took all my mums photo's of me!! Good move or what? Ha-ha!! No bloody flies on me... Ok, I only got about five miles, set up my tent... Got bored then went home.....


Hmm... I don't really have any readers, so I can't say I can pick three.... Ho hum..




Here are the rules:

The UU must list the three things their husband (or wife) (or significant other) knows about them.

The rules of this UU are posted at the ENDING of the post.

At the end of the post, the player then tags a randomly chosen number of people and posts their blog names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged. The comment must end with the word 'pthththth'.

Somewhere Else

Somewhere Else

My latest painting... Oil on Canvas 18x12....

I'm getting the urge to do an oil landscape.. I know, I'm crap at landscapes... Or is that crap at partings, or both? Hmmmm.. Maybe an oil landscape might turn out differently to a watercolour one.. Only one way to find out.. Watch this space..

Conspiracy theory

Ok... Now as much as I like the Welsh, is it a conspiracy that leads them to name their towns so the English can't say them? Bwlchgwyn!!! Worked there last week and had to stop and ask for directions!?! See my conundrum? How do you begin to pronounce a word that has zero number of vowels? How much of a dick did I feel when I got sniggered at by a wrinkly old timer, like I was a five year old.. Bwlch-y-Ffridd... Llwynderw... Seeing a pattern? Yup. They hate me at work. "Lets send him to some remote village in the mountains, where sat-navs don't work and they don't have shops to ask for directions in..... That'll teach the bugger a lesson!" The only place I haven't worked, and would dearly love to but it doesn't exist is Pant-y-fan...... Yes.... I am ten years old!!

Farewell Paris.. tick-tick-tick-tick BOOM

Last night I blew up Paris with a feckin' huge nuclear bomb. Why? who knows, but I really enjoyed it. I even let some odd spoddy chap borrow my extension lead because they were running a bit short. It was all very English too, the survivors formed orderly lines to get treated without complaining. I felt all warm and fuzzy that I'd melted so much of the city, so proud.. Funny thing is, it's my favourite city in the whole world.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, Sally is dreaming about hamsters with huge knackers.!?!

So far I've noticed bugger all effects from the omega3.. Memory is still half that of a goldfish, knees still rustier than a rusty thing in rustytown and I'm Still butt ugly.. Give it another month.. Maybe if I grow breasts I could see that as a huge plus... C cup would be nice.

Almost got knocked out by a bumble bee today.. It mistook me for a flower, easy mistake to make... If....

1. You aren't wearing your glasses
2. You like really crap flowers
3. You are a numpty

I is a aged parent

I officially became an old duffer today, and I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. We've been doing a bit of remodelling recently and this last week has been the turn of Rosies new room. The pink palace!! She's moving into a bigger room with 'big girls' bed'... It's all pink and girlie, she even chose the colour. Painted it last weekend and this today was carpet fitting day! Dun-dun-duhn!! Started to lay the thing and realised that carpet fitters use the spiky knee bash thingy for a reason... It looks shite if you don't! Well, bugger this I thought... Rather than face the disappointment on Sally a Rosies faces at having a carpet that was crumplier than the Black Mountains, I made a spiky knee bash thingy!!! How chuffin' old am I now? My father in law makes a thingy for just about anything you can need a thingy for... Takes him all day, but he does it. Now it's my turn. Even as I realised how sad a moment I was experiencing, I also savoured the fact that my spiky knee bash thingy was fuckin' fantastic really rather useful.

Tomorrow we're going up to Ikea some fantastic bed emporium for Rosies new bed. She is practically bursting she's so pleased that she's getting this all new room, with special reading chair that cost a tenner from Harvey's. We're also getting stuff for the craft (stroke) art room, which is probably going to be all craft and stroke with bugger all art room. But all I need is a drawer for my bits and room for a couch for my nude models and I'm happy. I'd settle for just the nude model but there are comfort and H+S issues.

So it looks like I have a hard days work ahead for tomorrow so what's new? and I relish every second of the pain, blood, skinned knuckles challenge.

Wish me luck!

Amy Lee (No 2 on my allowed list.)

Amy Lee
oil on canvas

At last I got my procrastinating, lazy backside around to finishing a painting! I've had this sketched out and sat on top of the microwave staring at me for weeks. It's taken about three evenings to do it and I may do a bit more to it yet... Then again I may decide that enough is enough and may end up doing too much and ruin it.. A particular failing of mine.

JUST LEAVE IT ALONE YOU KNOB!!!!! I hear you cry.. Or was that the voice in my head again? Oh bollocks! I thought I'd got rid of him.. They promised me the pills would sort that out... He is right though... Any thoughts? Anyone else wanna get in my head and pulls my strings? A word of warning though. You have to look at me naked!! Changed your mind? Yeah thought so, not many supplementary personalities have the stomach for that one.

It tried to snow earlier. What a tease. There were great fat globs of the stuff sticking everywhere and I was looking forward to burying Rosie in it... Purely for photographical research of course. Everyone loves a cute kiddie photo, 'specially if it involves muck, mess and mayhem; but especially if it involves the 'Ooooooh that's gotta hurt' factor. But alas it's pouring with rain now and washed it all away. I could stand her in that for a while and take photo's of a little drownded rat..

Watch this space...

Dun-dun-duuuuhn...

One of those Days

I've been a right miserable git today.. I've been feeling run down all day and it turned me into a proper crosspot. Do you ever have one of those days where you just want the sun to piss off and leave you alone, the happy faced little tosser!! It's been glaring at me from the beginning, like that aggressive thug you see staring you down across a pub... All menace and knuckles... And then there's me, all wind and piss! Waving my fist at anything that moves in the hope my crappy day will go away.

I'm looking for a bit of inspiration. I'm bursting to get on with some painting, but lack the drive to make a start. I've sketched out a portrait of Amy Lee (second on my allowed list) but I've sat here staring at it for about three weeks now with bugger all incentive... Need help... Or pills...

I started my diet today... Boo-hiss. I got on the scales yesterday and got the shock of my life. I need to lose two stone at least. Now that makes me sad. How am I gonna survive without pop and crisps and chocolate?

We don't say stinky poo-poo...

I got put in the hall again today for being mean to Owlie. (sigh) Just who IS the boss in this house? Don't really need an answer to that do I? I had to sit there for two minutes with Dolly, Annabel, a stuffed mouse and a Peppa-pig slipper.

Rosie's "Cross" face is enough to turn me into the meanest Daddy-Pig, laughing at her only makes her crosser. The cross face here was earned for flicking breakfast cereal... Toast... Tea towels... Random bits of paper and a plastic egg cup.

I have taken it upon myself to teach her the finer points of our wonderful language. Teaching her to say "Turnehp" (turnip) in a west country accent is my latest triumph... She'll be scarred for life no doubt.

Oh yes... "We don't say stinky poo-poo!"

Or... Blummin' eck

Or... Bloody-hell. Silly man, who taught you to drive?!

Guilty of two of those. (holds up hand) Think the last one came from her Grandma...





She can also twist me around her little finger.













Failing that, out comes the circular saw!!!!! RARRRRR!

The ants are drinking my beer again...

I only went and got me a horrid cough!!! Think it's poss the onset of man flu.... Weakness, tight chest.. (we like a tight chest) and achy bits... (we like achy bits too) . Cough, cough... See? Feeling like poo now, need pills and a little bit of love, and bed, and Angelina Jolie.

Work was crap today. The only saving grace was the house full of female university students. Downside to this fantasy scenario was..... You know, I can't think of one. On a purely scientific note I noticed a significant difference between male and female student housing... To begin with they are both equally as messy.. In fact they are shitholes!! No, the differences are..

1. The males have empty beer cans strewn throughout while the females have empty vodka bottles.
2. The males wear scruffy t-shirts with inappropriate logos and jeans while the females wear skimpy, tight fitting pyjamas all day.
   
3. The males congregate in the kitchen and communal space, the females all jump in bed together and eat toast.

Time to go to bed and ponder the days' findings.

M is for Uncle Graham's Pants

Rosie is learning letters.
How quickly she learns.
C is for car, and cat and comfuter
S is for sausage and sink and silly Daddy-Pig
But saving the best.
Not A is for Ants.
Not R is for road.
Not T is for tanks.
Yes, bestest by far and how proud am I.
M is for Uncle Grahams Pants

I am a (crap) pirate

I've got to be the crappest pirate there ever has been!!! Here I sit, dodgy back keeping me away from sailing the seven seas and a face as grumpy as can be. I couldn't even put my sodding pants on this morning without grunting and groaning like a heifer with a belly-ache. Grump-Grump-Grump...

I got conned into believing that if I took my fishy-burp pill with a meal that I wouldn't get fishy burps.. So I took it with one of Ronalds finest double sausage and egg Mcmuffins, with hash brown and largo black coffee (4 sugars).. Yey Ronald, food of champions (and the reason for my big belly) Guess what? Yup, got burps that taste like a mackerels arse! Who'da thought I'd be caught out by that old nugget? Yeah, thanks Minty!!!

I need to save face or my shipmates will mutiny my arse. So I think I'll go slap a kid and kick a dog or something. But not too hard or I'll hurt my back!

Yo ho diddly-dee, I am a pirate....

Fishy breath

I decided that I was at an age where I need help!! My memory is failing and my joints have rusted beyond repair.. Watched some crap on the telly about omega3 and how it's good for joints and boosts brain power, so I thought... "Why the hell not?" I'm taking one of those horse pill sized torpedoes in the morning with my pirate cereal.... Hmmmmm.... Problem I have now is I have to wait a month or so before I notice any results, and that means a month of horrid fishy burps that make me want to hurl!!! Watch this space....

Instant poll...........

What's worse?

1: Fishy burps

2: Vomit Breath