I is a aged parent

I officially became an old duffer today, and I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. We've been doing a bit of remodelling recently and this last week has been the turn of Rosies new room. The pink palace!! She's moving into a bigger room with 'big girls' bed'... It's all pink and girlie, she even chose the colour. Painted it last weekend and this today was carpet fitting day! Dun-dun-duhn!! Started to lay the thing and realised that carpet fitters use the spiky knee bash thingy for a reason... It looks shite if you don't! Well, bugger this I thought... Rather than face the disappointment on Sally a Rosies faces at having a carpet that was crumplier than the Black Mountains, I made a spiky knee bash thingy!!! How chuffin' old am I now? My father in law makes a thingy for just about anything you can need a thingy for... Takes him all day, but he does it. Now it's my turn. Even as I realised how sad a moment I was experiencing, I also savoured the fact that my spiky knee bash thingy was fuckin' fantastic really rather useful.

Tomorrow we're going up to Ikea some fantastic bed emporium for Rosies new bed. She is practically bursting she's so pleased that she's getting this all new room, with special reading chair that cost a tenner from Harvey's. We're also getting stuff for the craft (stroke) art room, which is probably going to be all craft and stroke with bugger all art room. But all I need is a drawer for my bits and room for a couch for my nude models and I'm happy. I'd settle for just the nude model but there are comfort and H+S issues.

So it looks like I have a hard days work ahead for tomorrow so what's new? and I relish every second of the pain, blood, skinned knuckles challenge.

Wish me luck!

Amy Lee (No 2 on my allowed list.)

Amy Lee
oil on canvas

At last I got my procrastinating, lazy backside around to finishing a painting! I've had this sketched out and sat on top of the microwave staring at me for weeks. It's taken about three evenings to do it and I may do a bit more to it yet... Then again I may decide that enough is enough and may end up doing too much and ruin it.. A particular failing of mine.

JUST LEAVE IT ALONE YOU KNOB!!!!! I hear you cry.. Or was that the voice in my head again? Oh bollocks! I thought I'd got rid of him.. They promised me the pills would sort that out... He is right though... Any thoughts? Anyone else wanna get in my head and pulls my strings? A word of warning though. You have to look at me naked!! Changed your mind? Yeah thought so, not many supplementary personalities have the stomach for that one.

It tried to snow earlier. What a tease. There were great fat globs of the stuff sticking everywhere and I was looking forward to burying Rosie in it... Purely for photographical research of course. Everyone loves a cute kiddie photo, 'specially if it involves muck, mess and mayhem; but especially if it involves the 'Ooooooh that's gotta hurt' factor. But alas it's pouring with rain now and washed it all away. I could stand her in that for a while and take photo's of a little drownded rat..

Watch this space...

Dun-dun-duuuuhn...

One of those Days

I've been a right miserable git today.. I've been feeling run down all day and it turned me into a proper crosspot. Do you ever have one of those days where you just want the sun to piss off and leave you alone, the happy faced little tosser!! It's been glaring at me from the beginning, like that aggressive thug you see staring you down across a pub... All menace and knuckles... And then there's me, all wind and piss! Waving my fist at anything that moves in the hope my crappy day will go away.

I'm looking for a bit of inspiration. I'm bursting to get on with some painting, but lack the drive to make a start. I've sketched out a portrait of Amy Lee (second on my allowed list) but I've sat here staring at it for about three weeks now with bugger all incentive... Need help... Or pills...

I started my diet today... Boo-hiss. I got on the scales yesterday and got the shock of my life. I need to lose two stone at least. Now that makes me sad. How am I gonna survive without pop and crisps and chocolate?

We don't say stinky poo-poo...

I got put in the hall again today for being mean to Owlie. (sigh) Just who IS the boss in this house? Don't really need an answer to that do I? I had to sit there for two minutes with Dolly, Annabel, a stuffed mouse and a Peppa-pig slipper.

Rosie's "Cross" face is enough to turn me into the meanest Daddy-Pig, laughing at her only makes her crosser. The cross face here was earned for flicking breakfast cereal... Toast... Tea towels... Random bits of paper and a plastic egg cup.

I have taken it upon myself to teach her the finer points of our wonderful language. Teaching her to say "Turnehp" (turnip) in a west country accent is my latest triumph... She'll be scarred for life no doubt.

Oh yes... "We don't say stinky poo-poo!"

Or... Blummin' eck

Or... Bloody-hell. Silly man, who taught you to drive?!

Guilty of two of those. (holds up hand) Think the last one came from her Grandma...





She can also twist me around her little finger.













Failing that, out comes the circular saw!!!!! RARRRRR!

The ants are drinking my beer again...

I only went and got me a horrid cough!!! Think it's poss the onset of man flu.... Weakness, tight chest.. (we like a tight chest) and achy bits... (we like achy bits too) . Cough, cough... See? Feeling like poo now, need pills and a little bit of love, and bed, and Angelina Jolie.

Work was crap today. The only saving grace was the house full of female university students. Downside to this fantasy scenario was..... You know, I can't think of one. On a purely scientific note I noticed a significant difference between male and female student housing... To begin with they are both equally as messy.. In fact they are shitholes!! No, the differences are..

1. The males have empty beer cans strewn throughout while the females have empty vodka bottles.
2. The males wear scruffy t-shirts with inappropriate logos and jeans while the females wear skimpy, tight fitting pyjamas all day.
   
3. The males congregate in the kitchen and communal space, the females all jump in bed together and eat toast.

Time to go to bed and ponder the days' findings.

M is for Uncle Graham's Pants

Rosie is learning letters.
How quickly she learns.
C is for car, and cat and comfuter
S is for sausage and sink and silly Daddy-Pig
But saving the best.
Not A is for Ants.
Not R is for road.
Not T is for tanks.
Yes, bestest by far and how proud am I.
M is for Uncle Grahams Pants

I am a (crap) pirate

I've got to be the crappest pirate there ever has been!!! Here I sit, dodgy back keeping me away from sailing the seven seas and a face as grumpy as can be. I couldn't even put my sodding pants on this morning without grunting and groaning like a heifer with a belly-ache. Grump-Grump-Grump...

I got conned into believing that if I took my fishy-burp pill with a meal that I wouldn't get fishy burps.. So I took it with one of Ronalds finest double sausage and egg Mcmuffins, with hash brown and largo black coffee (4 sugars).. Yey Ronald, food of champions (and the reason for my big belly) Guess what? Yup, got burps that taste like a mackerels arse! Who'da thought I'd be caught out by that old nugget? Yeah, thanks Minty!!!

I need to save face or my shipmates will mutiny my arse. So I think I'll go slap a kid and kick a dog or something. But not too hard or I'll hurt my back!

Yo ho diddly-dee, I am a pirate....

Fishy breath

I decided that I was at an age where I need help!! My memory is failing and my joints have rusted beyond repair.. Watched some crap on the telly about omega3 and how it's good for joints and boosts brain power, so I thought... "Why the hell not?" I'm taking one of those horse pill sized torpedoes in the morning with my pirate cereal.... Hmmmmm.... Problem I have now is I have to wait a month or so before I notice any results, and that means a month of horrid fishy burps that make me want to hurl!!! Watch this space....

Instant poll...........

What's worse?

1: Fishy burps

2: Vomit Breath